Experience AIDS/LifeCycle 4 (2005)

Why I Ride

It was about 8:30pm on October 23, 2001. I was in my law office in downtown SF. When I answered the phone and heard his voice I knew what he was going to say… my heart sank, my mouth searched for words that could answer this news. He was, he cried, HIV Positive. Through his tears and occasional gasps for air, he told me that he had had a tooth infection that didn’t respond well to treatment. He knew he was Positive and immediately went for the confirmation test. He cried and I wanted to tell him I was on my way, I would stay with him, be there for him…

But I couldn’t. I had a stack of deal documents that needed to be reviewed and comments faxed out before I could head to my bed. My heart felt like it was being wrenched out by a bare fist; not going to him was against every cell in my Being and yet I couldn’t go because I had documents to review. “A Valium will help me,” he said, “I’m going to bed.” And I reviewed documents.

As I reviewed the documents and added my comments, I thought of him. He’s a Cancer, like me, very emotional and when we are up we are up — but when we are down, boy are we down and curled up at the back of our shells. He would be crying for while. We both find crying cathartic, it’s like you start with a bunch of reasons to cry and throughout the cleansing of those tears little remains important in the tired haze of post tears. But in order to get to the release there is painful terrain to be crossed and I knew he would be feeling sad and alone… Feelings I was all too acquainted with myself.

I too was dealing with the aftermath of my house fire two days before the World Trade Center. My roommate and I were a couple of minutes away from not getting out and I had the “oh my God I am going to die right here right now” moment. I looked at the documents again. They just did not matter to me. Though I was unable to leave that night I made a conscious choice that it would never happen again — a job would not keep me from a friend in that much pain. I am riding for him and for many other reasons that would take pages to tell you, but maybe some more will come out in the blog.

Wednesday, June 1

With so little time left I am still trying to work out how to pay for my bike to be shipped and Supershuttle etc. Who knew it would involve so much!!! But, the reason we are doing this is BIGGER than all my shit put together. We are riding because it seems if we do not do something to stop the pandemic of HIV/AIDS, no-one will. We are riding because we CAN and too many cannot. We are riding for our friends who are living with HIV/AIDS and for those who have been taken from us.

This ride epitomizes the UNITY found in the word commUNITY. And for a week we will be a travelling community with a common cause, we will live to tell the tales and I know there will be many — we will laugh and I know we will cry. You can share this experience with us by checking in during the ride to the photos and blogs. Of course I will talk your heads off when I return with every detail!!!!

Day 1 - San Francisco to Aptos

6.20pm, somewhere just past Santa Cruz. The sun is shining and the sky is vast and blue. Music plays out of large speakers and the wind rustles tent flaps in this mobile community of nearly 2000 — some of whom are friends, and others who will make lifelong friends, and all who share a common cause, to end the AIDS pandemic. Yes, after months of training, we are finally here and doing it. We have completed day 1.

The day started for me at 3.15am when my alarm woke me from my still slumber into a numb fear. The ride that I have talked about incessantly and thought about even more, was no longer next month, next week, tomorrow, no it was TODAY. A bulging backpack and pile of cycling clothes on my bedroom floor confirmed the inner fear welling up in me. What had I done? Everyone knew about this, hell people gave money to support me, more bought me clothes, others gave me a bike, free bike fitting, so many Angelz had come forward to support me and TODAY it was me that had to deliver.

I had to ask myself if I really could this. I mean I was doing it, but hoping and praying that I would get through it. I have been sick for the last two weeks and my training seems to have been off since the dreaded butt-chaffing incident — which I will not go into again here for many of you have heard it many times already, but if you want to read about the atrocities that can happen to a soft, smooth butt, read my journal on my homepage. Anyway, it has been a while since I did more than 55 miles (ha I have to laugh here that I can even do 55 miles, let alone think it is just a short ride! We have certainly come far since the first training day in March of this year), and I was concerned that today with the stress of the Opening Ceremony I would have a hard ride, and a hard today would mean a fitful sleep tonight.

So we arrived at Cow Palace just after 5am this morning — was that really this morning!!! Q’s friend Michael (pray I got his name right, it seems a lifetime ago) kindly gave a ride, which meant he was up super early too. Kate and I hooked up at gear truck D, our assigned truck for the week. Of course, the sun may not have risen but the people there to greet us and the volunteers that do a million jobs at all hours of the day, were HIGH ENERGY. Booming “Good morning LifeCycle riders” resonated around the grounds. So many cyclists, all with the same fearful look on their faces, all brimming with excitement twinged with that same fear, a powerful cocktail that can produce life-changing results. Friends greeted one another, flashes danced around in the waking morning light. The main topic of discussion seemed to be how much sleep each rider had managed to get. Most moaned they had little and my road partner, Kate, got about 45 minutes! But sleep was last night and today we had a ride to do, we were riding for life.

Speeches were made as all the participants and crew gathered together for the first time. Wow, what a lot of people. At 6.30am the ride was officially declared opened. We went to bike parking — with 1400 or so bikes, there has to be a system — and collected our bikes. Walking our bikes outside (oooh Diana Ross is pelting out now — what a day!) we finally mounted and took a left out of Cow Palace.

6.30 on a Sunday morning and people lined the street cheering us on, many with banners and not all associated with someone on the ride. This ride is bigger than those that participate, together we are the stone that is thrown into the pond of life and our ripples are felt in many ways. We are riding to make a difference, we are committing to our cause — too many people lack a cause and I am sure that is why as a society we are so sick but that is a whole other conversation.

Where was I? This morning, yes, we rode up Geneva, police were at the stop lights, more people lined the streets and I looked at Kate and said “who needs the Tour de France!!!” We had fans and lots of them, and this was only the beginning.

In the beginning there are several large packs of riders, and cars seemed a little freaked, well their drivers not the cars themselves! As the day progressed, the riders began to spread out, converging only in and out of the many pit stops (about every 20 miles). I have never before ridden up a hill, beside the ocean, to find a beautiful belly dancer, dancing alone, scarf blowing in the breeze — until today. The volunteers at pitstops each have their own theme and make it fun for you. There are medics, chiropractors, massage therapists and bike technicians in the tents that are around me. This is more than camping! We even have our trucks with porta potties and more importantly HOT showers. Dinner was pretty good and available for another couple of hours so I am going back for thirds! (Oooh just put on my 2PAC CD — I’ll go crazy otherwise!!) — I just took a few minutes to sit outside in the glowing evening sun, the sky remains vast and blue and it is just past 7pm.

By now, you may have realized that my storytelling is scattered. That’s because I have so many thoughts running though my head, and I had 85 miles today to think even more. So, I have told you about the camp and I am sure that more will come. Rest assured that all you are responsible for as a rider is to turn up, ride, claim your gear, put up your tent, eat, drink, sleep, turn in gear and tent and ride again. You can even pick up individual “portions” of butt butter at rest stops. Kate and I are already just slathering it on, not bothering that others see our hands slide inside our pants, by day 3 they will all be doing the same so why wait!

I am in deepest gratitude that I met Kate. Without her this ride would be a different experience. We only met about 6 weeks ago on a training ride and have only ridden together but we are very similar in experience. Following her down the hill, hovering over the seat in a crouched position, I have managed to get up to 39mph — not bad for someone who was terrified of hills two months ago. Now, I pass some people, whereas before EVERYONE passed me downhill, many of whom I had passed uphill. Kate is awesome and we keep each other going, as each of us has a hard time at different stages, and if we both have a hard time together we take it slow.

So, I need to go soon, the village is buzzing outside and soon it will be time to sleep before rising early to get on the road as close to 6.30am as possible (tomorrow I will tell you if we made it). Today’s ride ended just past Santa Cruz, and we rode in at 3.20pm, earlier than we had anticipated, and it has been wonderful to have time to chill in camp and take in the atmosphere. Tomorrow is apparently pretty flat, taking us inland with some hard cross winds. It will be a long day, 98 miles but less climbing. According to Ben Armstrong, our amazing Cat II training ride leader, we climbed 7000 ft today — much of it along the coast, the ocean below us and rolling hills ahead of us.

A random act of kindness is prevalent in this camp, and we got to experience one as we claimed our tent. Michael (I think that was his name, I asked him twice but am terrible with names) helped us put up our tent. He has beautiful long dreads. Thank you Universe, another Angel crosses our Path. My back is starting to feel stiff and I want to go and do some yoga so I will sign off until tomorrow with more tales from the road.

One love
Shivie

“And then the day came when the pain to remain closed tight in a bud became more than the pain it took blossom” — Anais Nin

Day 2 - Aptos to King City

“If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans”

Remember to cover your seat at night!

Today did not go exactly as expected. Things started to go awry last night when, finally tucked up into our sleeping bags, we realized that we had not put plastic bags on our bike seats in bike parking. We unzipped the tent and walked through the maze of tents sitting on the damp, wet grass. We covered our seats and returned to the tent. Sleep came and was interrupted at 2.45am — what, everyone was asleep when we got out to put on the bike covers, now people are talking loudly, a lot of people. Some time later in a sleepy haze we managed to work out that some sprinklers had come on and saturated many tents. They were trying to contact the groundsmen, we heard.

Back to sleep and an hour or so later a lot of people seemed to be waking up. We were admittedly confused. Breakfast is not served until 5am and the route does not open before 6.30am, so why were so many people up and about. Back to sleep. It was about an hour after the alarm went off that we realized the clock was about 45 minutes slow — we were behind schedule! We surrendered and went to breakfast — at the same time as everyone else according to the long lines. Fortunately the vegetarian line is much shorter than the carnivores’! A bowl of oatmeal, granola, raisins and brown sugar was sure to fuel us up topped off with a large cup of coffee. We were ready to ride after checking our tires.

The morning after

“My bum hurts” was a popular phrase in those first few minutes. We can do it, Kate told me. It was 98.7 miles of predominantly flat road with some rollers. Zigzagging across the artichoke fields was going to mean hitting harsh side winds that even the experienced riders had talked about. The roads were flat, long and seemingly neverending. I have never ridden so much flat. In a way it’s more difficult than rolling hills, your mind wanders and the next thing you know you are lolling along at 8 miles an hour!

We knew it was going to be a long day but we had each other. At around mile 9 I was ahead of Kate by a couple of riders when my bike slid from underneath me — I was down, and it hurt. Within seconds I have five or six riders huddled around me, their bikes lying on the side of the road. All concerned. Kate stroked my leg telling me I was doing fine. And then Dr. Vince arrived, a very cute Dr. Vince! And I told him so! He is a rider/doctor who practices pediatrician ER in LA. He assessed my swollen ankle, banged knee and elbow, and the road rash on my thigh and shoulder.

My left side took a beating but not my head. Chicken Lady stopped by and told me I was her hero and gave me one of her eggs — she does this every year, leaving eggs in places for people to find. Every rider asked how I was doing. Kofi and Spoon stopped, as did Bob and Gabriel, whom I only met yesterday. Kate ignored my pleas to continue riding — she had a long day ahead of her and this was not helping. I was taken by EMT ambulance (sponsors of the ride — thank you) to rest stop 1. It was full of riders eating, drinking and chatting for a minute before they continued, the bikes lay all around the edge. I was carried out on a stretcher to a raucous applause and sympathetic looks. The MTV/Logo crew filmed all of it, from Dr. Vince seeing me to the pit stop and then all afternoon in camp. I am fine. I have been cleared by medical to ride tomorrow under the promise that I will stop if it hurts. Right now, it is late and I need to go back to the tent and check in with Kate and get to sleep.

I have had the opportunity to have a taste of medical (AWESOME AWESOME PEOPLE) and setting up of camp. I have so much to tell you about the various beautiful acts of kindness but not enough time to tell you so I am going to close here and tell you more tomorrow. The blog will continue after the ride so I can remember the many stories I have to tell.

Go riders — we have raised $6.8 million, 1600 riders and 400 roadies are taking this journey together. When our day does not go as planned there are many more options available and acts of kindness to be shared. To all my Angelz today, and there were many (including Angel Tyson who checked out my bike as soon as he heard I had had a spill) I feel blessed to be here with you all.

One love
Shivie

Day 3 - King City to Paso Robles

Tuesday (I think), 7.33pm, King City, in the Media Relations tent — here we are in yet another campground, the third this far, and I am sitting in a tent with a laptop writing to you. Through the wonders of technology you will read these very words tomorrow. I trust you are all well. But enough of you, let’s talk about the ride!

I will say it again “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” The mantra of the week is “surrender.” Yet again, I was not able to finish the day. Six miles from home, on the 101 South, yes the freeway, we rode along the freeway today, how wild is that! Anyway, my bike was clunking in the front. I thought it was the magnet catching the computer receptor. It got louder and even Kate yelled from behind “I can hear that.”

A few minutes later, the noise had quietened, but I noticed that the quick release was in a different position to earlier. “Strange,” I thought, and looked down at the other side only to notice that the screw was MISSING. “Stopping” I yelled and pulled to the side. As I did so the quick release pin came out and the wheel was being held only by the brake pads! Thank God I was not going downhill! So the SAG van picked me up and brought me back to camp. I came in holding my bike in one hand and the wheel in the other!

Angel Tyson immediately took my bike and wheel — this was when we discovered the hub had disappeared. He told me to shower and get set up, he would check it out. I walked over to the gear truck, telling my story along the way! Angel Pat is loaning me a wheel for the week and Angel Tyson will have her ready for me in the morning. We are supported on this ride on so many levels, from those that sponsored us to get us here to the people that have put the event together, to those that are donating their time, huge amounts of energy, and suffer huge sleep deprivation over the course of the week. We are truly blessed.

At our truck Darla, our fantastic gear mistress (who yesterday, after being released by medical, carried my backpack and tent, assembled my tent and even got me a piggie back to the truck) greeted me with smiles asking how my day went. Of course I told her the story. That’s the beauty of a story, it’s meant to be told so when something happens, it will always be a story. Anyway, I digress yet again. At the truck I couldn’t locate our tent, D91, so I picked up my bag and walked over to D91 confident the tent was up. I had said to Kate earlier in the day that I thought it would be up. AJ, our neighbor had out it up for us. He came in early and put up seven tents. Let me tell you that there could be nothing kinder than such a gift. To be able to get straight to the shower and come out smelling of sandalwood and feeling immensely clean and fresh is blissful.

So, as you gather, I did ride today — 71 miles and we climbed the infamous (among those on the ride) Quadbuster — which was not as bad as they said, a 1.3-mile climb, pretty steep but doable (and always walkable, we call that “cross training”). Dr. Eric Goosby, a wonderful man who does amazing work at UCSF and the Pangaea Global AIDS Foundation, agreed to let me ride so long as I stopped if it hurt. It didn’t (well, it did but not to the point of having to stop). My cycling shoes felt great, as they have a solid sole so my foot did not need to move much to walk.

The road out was like solidified molten lava, bumpy as hell. The vibrations go straight through to your hands and wrists, and there is always the increased chance of a fall as you navigate the nooks and crannies of the road. I am not going to fall, I told myself. Carefully and admittedly a little anxious, I made it. The ride felt good, the sun was kissing our skin from the early hours and the sky was once again vast and blue. Some, maybe you, were in offices at the time I was riding up a long winding wine country road somewhere between Aptos and King City.

I am truly blessed to be living this life. I could not have contemplated ten years ago that I would do anything but be a lawyer. Here I am, at the age of 37, having the time of my life, facing challenges that in a previous phase of my life I would not have dreamed of. Three months ago I thought it was too far for me to ride from the Mission to the Haight. The hills, I protested. Here I am three months and about 800 miles (plus another 300 in the next 4 days!) on my clock and I am in awe. The power of manifestation we hold within each of us is there to be tapped into. In this life we are co-creators and since I have started “manifesting” on a conscious level, I have received so much. I feel so supported by the Universe in that when things do not go according to plan, often the solution is already lined up.

Take the wheel hub today. Angel Tyson, the very person that set up my bike at the beginning of this journey, was there to take her and get her ready. This has been a challenging time for me and I have to admit at times I wondered if I could deliver. But I had no choice. I had sponsors and donors of amazing gear, including my beautiful road bike (Trek 2300, black and purple with pink handlebars to match my hair), I had to do it. And here I am doing it.

I am doing for all of us because as the African saying goes “I am because we are.” I am blessed to be able to do this. I can only do this because of the huge amount of support I have received from all of you. You have participated in an event that has changed, and will continue to change, my life. For the first time in my life it seems I am happy to be me. There are things that I need to work out but I no longer hate being me. And for a long time, too long, I hated being me. Now I only want to be me.

Two of the others bloggers arrived and we were laughing about the fact that it is killing us not having enough time to write all that we want to write. But as I said I will continue to write after. There are numerous people that should be mentioned here. Things to tell you and thoughts to share but we have 98.7 miles tomorrow taking in the Evil Twins, a double climb, and some other significant climbs, so I need my sleep and I haven’t had enough to eat so I am going to dinner before they close at 9pm.

One love
Shivie

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing, love tells me I am everything, between the two my life flows” — Old Indian saying

Day 4 - Paso Robles to Santa Maria

Santa Maria, 9pm — Hey there. Wow, I just checked my “messages of support” and so many of you have sent me the most amazing messages. Dr. Vince’s mother called him today to tell him she had been reading about him in my blog, he said she was in tears — hi to Dr. Vince’s mum — you have a beautiful son — he wrapped my ankle for me today before he went out to ride 98 miles.

Anyway, I am writing to tell you that it is late and I need my sleep. Tomorrow is a short day — 42 miles — YEAH. I will be back at camp and have time to write a sizeable entry but don’t worry, the blog will continue after the ride. Hope you are checking Jeff’s photo gallery on the site — there are some of me!! This is THE most amazing thing I have ever done in my life — sometimes I want to pinch myself to see if it is really me doing this. So we had a long day taking in the Evil Twins — a double mini mountain. My thoughts are more scattered than usual and I am going to go and sleep with my angels.

Please write if you would like — and if you have any questions you would like to ask please do so. Remember, we could not be here without you. I love you and wish you all a beautiful night’s sleep. Me, I am going back to my spot, D91, to sleep in the tent — did I tell you how much I love the simplicity of camping — it’s my favorite thing to sleep on the Mother Earth. Riding from morning to night is also an experience to be experienced — so if you are thinking about doing the ride I have one word for you — REGISTER. I want to sit here and tell you all the fabulous stories but really I have to go.

See you tomorrow.
Sweet dreamz.

One Love
Shivie

Day 5 - Santa Maria to Lompoc

Thursday, Lompoc, 5.49pm — yes I am here early and have been in camp since 11am this morning. We had a short 42-mile ride with three significant and long (1.8m) climbs. Once again we munched up the miles on the freeway. We wonder what the car drivers think as they us, all 1600 of us, riding along the hard shoulder of the freeway. Especially today, as it was red dress day. Imagine, with all the diverse groups we have here, what a colorful array that was. Black and red bodices, frilly dresses, feather boas and helmets with lights and all kinds of decorations. We represented one long red ribbon fighting to end the AIDS pandemic. We cannot lose sight of why we are here but that does not mean we cannot have fun doing it. And we are doing it and having fun! And we are facing our inner demons.

Oh how I just want to stop sometimes, it’s just hard and sometimes monotonous — just spinning your legs around in circles. Other times, most times, it is a beautiful meditative experience. You no longer think about pedaling but making beautiful circles, making sure you complete all four stages of the circle — along the top, down, scrape along the bottom and pull up — this gives the cadence a steady rhythm and you and the bike become one. Then there are the surroundings.

We wake up at 4.30am. Our riding clothes are in the bottom of our sleeping bags — this means they are warm when we put them on. We go to breakfast at 5am. Oatmeal with granola and brown sugar, coffee, tea and hot chocolate. Meat eaters get eggs and bacon and all the yummy things they like. Then we go to bike parking to pump up our tires. Back to pack up the tent and load our gear onto our truck. Once again Darla, Stacey, Devon and the crew had the music pumping and were dancing on the ramps. What a sight as the day wakes up!!! We claimed our bikes out of bike parking only to find I had a flat on the new wheel.

Now I was supposed to know how to change a flat. And I wanted to but there was so much else to do. John, my roommate, changed a flat one evening when I was nearing meltdown getting ready for a long ride the next day. He explained in detail and I listened — kind of, I was preparing for the ride as well. Anyway, I got out the tire irons and hooked one end under the tire and the other onto the spoke and tried to get the others in.

I couldn’t. Angel Tyson was already on his way to Pit Stop 1. Did I mention that we have fabulous bike techs at every Pit Stop? Angel Pat was fixing someone’s helmet. I wandered over to him to ask, in my newbie naivety, whether there was a tube in there cuz I couldn’t get the irons in. It was tight and he pulled one side of the tire off and gave me a long stemmed inner tube (who would have known about these things a few months ago). I partially filled the tube with air and place it under the tire. Angel Pat took over from there and put the tire back, pumped her up and I popped it on and we were ready to go.

Only 42 miles and no-one had talked much about the hills. But they were there — three long, grueling hills that killed you as you climbed only to fill you with ecstatic elation with the much-rewarded long, well-paved descent. I hit 40mph briefly. I mostly rode around 30-34. I have figured that I really enjoy the downhills that are nicely rounded rather than sharp bends, allowing you to pedal and feel like you really are riding with wind.

We arrived back at camp at 11am. WOW. A whole afternoon to chill, relax, have some alone time (look for the photo of me sitting under a tree, listening to my stereo and writing in my journal) — the first time this week, and it’s killing me not having time to process the many experiences we are having. Then again I am in gratitude for those many experiences and look forward to processing it all in the coming days, weeks and months. The ripples will continue for some time and I will continue to update you. Damn, I just looked at my clock and it is nearly time to go to bed. So here are some highlights I heard at the evening meeting and update:

A camp of this size eats a lot — here are the stats of what we have consumed:

• 2 tons of chicken
• 3000lbs beef
• 3000lbs pork
• 36,000 eggs
• 1000lbs pasta
• 5000lbs vegetables
• 300 gallons coffee
• 500 gallons milk
• 2 tons oatmeal
• 3000 pancakes
• 8000 slices of French toast
• 3500lbs of fruit
• 6000 gallons of water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And they are so organized — breakfast is always ready when we wake up and dinner is always ready when we get in from our rides. And in the meantime we can always go to the Information Services tent and get a cookie or chips or red vines (we get red vines on the road a lot and M&M’s, it’s all about eating and riding!). The oldest cyclist is Bert Shaw (77) and youngest Matthew Lai (18). The furthest anyone traveled is 20 hours by plane. 39 states and five countries are represented here.

AIDS/LifeCycle is the glue that brings us together. A diverse range of people brought together to fight the AIDS pandemic and face a personal challenge. It is a true experience of self-sufficient life with a few modern conveniences (showers, porta potties — often decorated! And all with mirrors!, huge bar-b-q grills, stoves etc). And every day it is packed up. 1000 tents, 2000 bags, conference tents, medical, chiropractic, massage and sports medicine tents, not to mention the many road volunteers who ride up and down the route in SUVs or beautiful, big, shiny motorbikes (mostly girls too — HOT!). All there to look after us and encourage us along to the next Pit Stop and if necessary, take us back to camp with our bikes.

Each Pit Stop has its own theme and the crew get a truck for their costumes — it is a serious business entertaining 1600 cyclists in such conditions especially as the week wears on! Certainly more grumpiness yesterday but today it is mellowing as we realize tomorrow is the last camp. We are nearly there. But I digress.

This ride is not about getting to LA by bicycle. It is an experience of riding to LA with purpose, courage and dedication. In return we have more support than one could imagine. The 400 roadies work insane and odd hours just to make this not only a ride for life but an experience of a lifetime. It’s a win-win situation.

This morning we were handed letters written by 7-year-olds to all of us. AMAZING.

And then we have you reading these words, following us on our journey, writing to us. I keep saying it but without you we could not be here supporting the vital services of the San Francisco AIDS Foundation and the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center. And we wouldn’t want to do it without you. We are One. And if AIDS affects one it affects ALL. Through this experience we unite people in many ways and build our strength and work together toward the day when we talk about AIDS in the past tense.

WE CAN WE MUST WE WILL

Quick Shout Outs to:

• Noah’s dad, Frank — Noah was an Angel when I would arrive at Sports Basement with severally limited funds and many needs.
• Russ’s wife and daughter who followed us. Russ misses you guys.
• John — Kate really misses you and you will love her redefined cycling legs — I am in love with them when I ride behind her (she has told me my thigh muscles are busting out of my shorts — don’t worry we will get photographic evidence of our new shape!)
• Dr. Vince’s mum once again. He’ll be home soon honey!
• All those that have emailed me.
• My friendz — you know who you are — you are all starz to me. I love you so much and am in deep gratitude to your constant support through the changes I have evoked.
• My Angelz — so many of you. Gratitude and blessings.
• Happy Summer Break Asher — let's ride soon!

Once again I have so many stories and feelings to share with you. I have 88 miles tomorrow and some climbs, I need to go and get my cocoa and go to bed. I love you all.

Check out photos on www.photomagiconline.com. Stanley Appleman has taken amazing photos and is offering us 20 free photos and 19c thereafter. Way to go Stanley and thank you.

I HAVE TO GO TO BED.

One Love
Shivie

Day 6 - Lompoc to Ventura

Friday, a sad day. Suddenly we realize that this is our last night of camp together, tomorrow morning we will go to bike parking for the last time.

So here’s the deal — I have wandered around camp and we are getting ready to leave. I have to spend time with myself and my thoughts. As soon as I release myself to sleep my routine will be to get up at 4.15, have breakfast, pump our tires, break camp, load gear and be out by 7.15. Ride 60 miles into LA to the Closing Ceremony for something that was at one time beyond my fertile imagination. And here I am talking to Jeff (more about him later but he and his team put together the web site and have kept you informed) in the Media Tent looking at the video they will show tomorrow — we have seen DVDs of prior years, perhaps you have too, but this time it documents OUR journey. We will cry tomorrow. Tonight I need to go and immerse myself in the congeniality of communal living.

We are camped behind Ventura Beach, where we just held a 2,000-strong candlelit vigil. I will write to you more but want to thank all the people that have called participants to come and tell me that they enjoy reading the blog. But I cannot stay and obviously I am having difficulty saying goodbye, but Kate is here and I want to walk back to the tent with her, I couldn’t have wished for a more beautiful Spirit than Kate, she has been an amazing friend, ride partner and tent mate. Sleep with the Angels and I will see you on the other side of the Rainbow.

One Love
Shivie

Day 7 - Ventura to Los Angeles

Back from the other side of the Rainbow

Sunday, June 15, 2005, at home in the Mission, San Francisco. I am in tears. The emotion has finally hit me in a powerful way. And you were the ones that broke it out. When I sat here half an hour ago to check my messages of support, I literally broke down in tears as I realized I had really accomplished something. And not only that, I was blessed to be asked to share my journey with you, and evidently you logged in, daily, according to the huge number of emails I have received that often start “Shivie you don’t me but.” Not only that, I have had people come up to me in camp, along the route and even at Closing Ceremonies to tell me that they enjoyed reading my blog. Now for me that is a double gift. I write, it is my passion, I am not “trained,” but I do have a passion to tell a story. And through this already amazing experience I get to write to you and get feedback. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!

A friend once called me a “one-woman revolution.” And I have come to believe him. I believe we are each a “one-woman revolution” and all we need to do is unite for THE revolution. Many of your emails called me similar. I am a mirror for you as you are for me. Together we can do anything. When I saw the following quote painted on a wall in a small fishing village in Mexico, it changed my life:

Be aware of your thoughts
they become your words
Be aware of your words
they become your actions
Be aware of your actions
they become your Destiny

I had a light bulb moment when I read those words. Aha! Whatever I think I manifest. Therefore whatever I want to manifest I need only think. “I’ll try it” I thought. And WOW WOW WOW. Look at me now!!! My finances are severely limited and yet I am manifesting on a grand scale. I am being supported every step of the way. Every challenge presents an opportunity for growth that I think of as “accelerated learning.”

Several riders came up to me to ask whether I had “overcome my streak of bad luck,” another commented to someone that “maybe she wasn’t meant to do this.” My response is that sitting here less than 24 hours post ride, I would not change ONE detail. I do not believe in luck, every reaction is a result of an earlier action, and as for the bad part of it, there was nothing bad about it. I wouldn’t say I would choose to crash or lose a wheel on the freeway but I can’t change the fact that they happened and I am here to tell the story. So these things do not represent bad luck but an opportunity to both share a story and learn from experience and I have had the experience of a lifetime. I have many stories to share with you but for now I would like to share how it feels sitting here in the moment.

I flew home last night after Closing Ceremonies. The friend I dedicated this ride to on under “Why I Ride,” picked me up from the airport. (By the way, I would just like to mention that I dedicated the ride to more than one person and they know who they are, I only had time to write one story - back to this in a moment!).

I had anticipated that I would sleep for the majority of today. WRONG. For a week my schedule has been to rise between 4 and 4.30am and sleep at 11. Between which times I had shit to do!!! Challenges to overcome, goals to accomplish etc etc. By 8am I was showered and on my way to Walgreen’s, I wanted to get the 3 rolls of film developed. I felt bereft in a way and knew that just seeing the photos would let me rest in a place halfway between camp and the real world thereby allowing me to re-immerse gradually.

Whilst the film was being developed I decided to treat myself to a leisurely and yummy breakfast at the local St. Francis. Sitting in the window, sun beaming on me, listening to my music and writing in my journal I felt softer. The world looked softer. I felt more protected from its harshest I have felt in the past. I felt like, and still do, I am totally where I should be. And after searching for this place for the majority of my time on this planet it is a beautiful thing.

I know that tonight, 24 hours post ride, 2000 riders, roadies and volunteers are in some way different to a week ago. Some more than others but no-one can be unaffected by the experience we shared as a community. And we did it for a week, across the state, and we did in style. We laughed, we cried, we gasped, we wanted to give up but didn’t, we had FUN, we challenged our bodies, minds and Spirits. And we raised $6.8 million dollars. See, it’s not all no pain no gain. Pain can bring about a lot of gain and personal growth. The quicker we learn our lessons from our mistakes the quicker we can move to the next level of understanding. Because we have to be here for a purpose don’t we? We cannot just accumulate and rape the planet, we have to think of the future generations.

In the Native American tradition, for example, when choosing a standing person (tree) for a bow, they not only ask permission of the standing person, they leave the first standing people they find for the future generations. A quote that always stirs me is “Many people die with their music still locked up inside them” (Benjamin Disraeli). I do not want to die with my music locked inside. I want the world to hear it. I want to feel it. I want to live it. I AM LIVING IT and I am in awe and gratitude to the power of infinite conscious manifestation.

When you use fear as your sword and not as your shield amazing things happen. Last night I realized that in the three months I had been riding a bike I had clocked up about 650 miles. I had NEVER ridden two days back to back. In fact after a training ride I pretty much took the evening and following day off. And last Sunday I rose to face the challenge of rising 585 miles in seven consecutive days. But for the fact that so many people were involved in this journey I think I would have lain in bed paralyzed with fear. But I had to do it. I had no choice. Eight days later I am sitting here and it is over.

But it is not really over. It has only just begun. The ripples of this experience will continue outward forever. Last night I was blessed to share a bus with a professional rider from the Ivory Coast, a beautifully soft and sincere Spirit full of goodness, and he told us that his experience of sharing our community for the last seven days has altered the way his mind thinks. He called his wife to tell her that his entire way of thinking had turned around. He had found acceptance and was excited. I will say it again this is more than just a bike ride or fundraiser. This is about LIFE. We really do only have one stage to act on and there is no take two. My yogi teacher, Yogi Bhajan always tells us “Happiness is your birthright.” I seek happiness because if I am happy those around me will be happy. A friend once called my happiness “contagious” — now that’s a disease that needs spreading!!!

Well, I have so much more to tell you. But for now I need to go and spend some more time thinking about the blessings that have been bestowed upon me in the last seven days in particular.

I know as I say goodnight so many of you are sharing stories of the ride. It is by sharing our stories that we grow as a community, storytelling is highly regarded in indigenous cultures and has been lost in our technological frenzy. There’s no reason it has to die so long as we keep creating the experiences for the stories to unfold and then share them.

To all those that sent me messages, thank you again. It is very poignant for me to read them — it’s like seeing myself from the outside. You fill me with the strength to be where I need to be in order to go where I need to go. Ditto that shout out to the readers too. So long as you are checkin’ in I will keep sharing. Enjoy having your loved ones home. Enjoy and be in joy.

One Love
Shivie

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naïve forgive and forget, the wise forgive but do not forget”

June 15

Back to the “Real” World

Yesterday I worked from 9-7 after spending the previous week riding between those timez. I miss my bike (Angel Tyson is building me a wheel from home tomorrow on his day off — thank you for your tireless help). I miss my route sheet, I miss the feeling of community, of being around 2,000 other like minded people sharing the same goal, to raise awareness and money for HIV/AIDS services, endure a personal challenge and have fun along the way making new friendz.

Will I do it next year — absolutely — En Shallah. The ride seemed to be a lifetime in itself, a mini bubble existing outside of the sometimes harsh realities of the outside world where ignorance and lack of faith lead to dis-ease within us. I had thought I would feel shattered and would at some point look at my bike and hate her — WRONG again!!!

Today I found myself looking up forthcoming rides. After all I am blessed to be in one of the most amazing regions to ride. I think that part of me is scared that this level of ability will fade if I do not continue to ride the Rainbow. All my life I have been hiding inside the fat girl, and preparing for this ride in the last three months has taken me far and beyond what I might have imagined. There are, as I have said, many Angelz that have graced me with assistance and I must shout out to Ben Johnson, our Cat II training Ride Leader ("TRL").

Back in San Francisco the day after the end of ALC4.

All the ALC TRL’s are AMAZINGLY DEDICATED Spirits. I did my first 53 mile ride with Ben — he was so re-assuring and helpful, answering all our questions about the climbs we had ahead of us. He always waited for the last rider — and that was sometimes hours after he finished — and each week he sent out an email that recapped the previous week’s ride, with mileage and elevation, and also included an informational topic. I always looked forward to opening his email because I enjoyed reading it and always learned something else to add to my limited, but growing, cycling repertoire. This was his first year as TRL and he MUST do it again next year — please! All of the Cat II TRL’s really made our ride experience the best they could be and definitely prepared us for the varied and rugged terrain we would face between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

For months we trained over Camino Alto, White’s Hill, the Cheese Factory, Nicasio and the infamous (among local riders) Marshall Wall. Ben kept telling us that there was no one day on the ride that was as challenging as our 98 mile, 8300 feet of climbing that we did the week before Day of the Ride. And he was right. Now that is not to say it was all plain sailing — it was hard work, both physically and mentally. But we were prepared and I can only imagine how it would have been had I completed the full Cat II series that began in February. Not only is Ben a fierce rider and awesome leader, he is also a very beautiful Spirit. Look out for our Cat II group photo which will be available from photomagiconline.com in a couple of weeks, along with the numerous photos that Stanley took during the course of the week.

Shoutin' out to all the TRL’s — thank you for your dedication and passion to help every rider, of all abilities, have the ride of their life. It is challenging enough to ride the long miles of training rides, whilst in training yourself, and yet you all give to those that need it — especially the sweeps, who ride with the last rider until they reach home safely.

Talking of the last rider, it is worth mentioning that on the ride, the last rider is the most important rider. Should you be the last to ride in, not only will you arrive to a camp entrance lined with riders, there to welcome YOU, you will have behind you the full MotoSafety crew, including the girlz Terri et al. Your tent will probably be up and you will be treated to a massage reserved for the last rider on each night of the week. Remember, this is not a race, it is a ride for life, and we are not all home until we are all home, so the last rider arriving safely and having overcome their challenges for the day, is a welcome sight.

That’s all for now.
Sleep with the Angelz

One Love
Shivie

If you would like to email me please write to me at bodhisattva94115@yahoo.co.uk. Please make a reference to the blog in the Re: field (or I will delete you without knowing it and I would love to hear from you!).

Peace Out.

June 21

Solstice, at home, listening to Wu Tang - Chronicles

Ahhh Solstice, the first day of summer, the blooming of dreamz planted in the Spring, long summer days, lazy nights, endless blue skies, warm summer sun, sunsets, clear night skies — Solstice, a magical time of manifestation.

That said, I feel a little sad and I am not sure why, so I thought I would write to you and see what I have to say. Actually I do want to type up the entry I wrote on Friday. I didn’t have my laptop so I free-wrote in my journal (the only way I know how to write, as I am doing now, click click at the keyboard not really sure what letters are being spilled into words on my keyboard. I guess that’s why I sometimes seem scattered — but that is only to those that live, or desire to live, in a controlled world. Sometimes, I enjoy the fragments that give me a taste of many things, after all life is more than one action happening at one time — one person is sleeping, another at work, one being beaten, dying… you get my drift… or not, but I have way digressed here, where were we… )

Ahh yes, feeling a little sad and apprehensive. Whilst at the same time I feel excited by the potential that lies in feeling a little sad and apprehensive. Since I released my self-imprisoned Soul from corporate slavery, I have had time to think about why I am sad when I am sad, rather than trying to suppress it with drugs and/or alcohol and allowing it fester inside. From experience and watching closely I know that whenever I feel sad and apprehensive it generally signals a change ahead that may not, at the time of the feelings, even be a possibility you had charted on your radar. Herein lies the apprehension of not knowing which direction of your life was to undergo upheaval (for you have to have upheaval in order for new growth to take place). So my feelings must signal a change ahead and I do feel that. How could anything stay the same after living in a consciously created, harmonious sub-world for seven days and 585 miles and more experiences than one mind can process but many can feel.

Talking of processing I still have not had time to process the ride and it seems like that occurred a lifetime ago — you are my last link!!! So much happened, I saw so many beautiful scenes of humanity at its very highest and I rose to my own challenge to do this ride, despite my many fears of riding. All of this will take time to process and settle, herein lies the beauty of the ripples of the stone that LifeCycle was, thrown into our ponds of life. The ripples of this stone will continue and I continue to let you know about them. After all, this is one of the main benefits of doing the ride — you open yourself up to your own potential by taking the spotlight off you and shining it on a cause you believe in, that needs your support, in this case the San Francisco AIDS Foundation and the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center.

Anyway, even for me I am a little scattered so I am going to sign off.

Sleep with the Angelz
One Love
Shivie

The following entry was written in my journal on Friday, June 17, at the open mike at Café International. My friend, WiseProof Avatare, was the guest host and I had promised to read…

I miss Kate. Soft gentle Kate. Seeing other riders ride together some of the time but not all the time, I was immensely grateful to have Kate riding with me. It’s a challenge to find a ride partner — speed and freshness of each rider varies mile by mile — but we made a pact to stay together and stay together we did. We each felt our pains at different times and kept each other up. As Yogi Bhajan tells his students, “Keep up and be kept up.”

After all, we only had a week for this experience. Whilst so many in the world were participating in the conglomerate wheel of commerce, we were basking in the arms of the Mother Earth. Each day a fresh dawn greeted us and new terrain awaited us. Who knew what challenges would come our way, what new friends we might make or what our inner voice might whisper to us in the quiet and vastness of Nature. Blanketed by a sky so blue we could only be in California, each day was a gift waiting to be opened and experienced.

At the beginning of the week it seemed a daunting task. I questioned my ability and as I reflected on the eight training rides I completed and the last five that I missed, I was I have to admit, more than a little concerned!!! But I would never have imagined that I would ride 98 miles and climb 8300 feet only nine weeks after the then-longest ride of my life, 17 miles!!!

After all, the Universe had supported me every step of the way to get me to Orientation Day, She would not fail me now. No, it I failed I knew it would be down to me and I couldn’t bear the thought of failing my many Angelz if that happened.

Day 1 was a beautiful 80-something ride down Highway 1 and the many rolling hills and spectacular coastline scenery. Day 2, I crashed (after the fact I can admit to you that it hurt more than I was prepared to admit, so thanks again to the awesome medics who kept me on the road with Tylenol, ibuprofen, shoulder dressings, oxygen and much love and encouragement at every pitstop). Day 3 was Quadbuster, my left side hurt at every joint and I was concerned about the climb — please, I prayed to Universe, let me do this ride — and She came through — of course!!! Ben was right, it was no worse than anything we had done. Day 3 was done and I could see the week dissolving away. I had to fully immerse myself in, and surrender to, whatever came my way.

Going into Day 4 to tackle the much-talked-about Evil Twins, I felt more confident than I did the previous day. Knowing that Day 5 was a short day (42 miles) I knew I would be able to ride the 90-something miles (I know my mileages are approx but for me 80-something, 90-something — it’s all the same — HARD but DOABLE!!!).

Talking of Day 5, have you checked out the photos for this day? Day 5 is Red Dress Day. Representing a continuous red ribbon along the roads of California to bring awareness to the HIV/AIDS pandemic, this was one of my favorite days (I had seven favorite days!!! Eight if you include Orientation Day!). A short day but lots of climbing — no-one had talked about the climbing on this day and there were three significant climbs — feather boas blowing in the breeze gave us something else to focus on other than our screaming quads! Getting into camp at 11am gave us time to socialize, eat, socialize and eat more!

Talking of socializing let me tell you about some of the beautiful people I was graced to spend time with. You already know beautiful Kate. Then there’s Tony. I met Tony at the LifeCycle Expo in February of this year. Check out Tony’s blog at www.ynottony.com and of you are in SF check out his Iyengar classes at Satori Studio. Tony was the one to mention Tyson’s name. I did not see Tony again until the day before Orientation Day.

Running around on the Friday with some extra dollars that someone left for me outside their front door (Angelz — I’m telling you they are everywhere!) I went to Sports Basement. It was on this last trip, three months after meeting and two days before the ride, I met Tony again. It proved to be a serendipitous meeting.

Tony has the warmest, kindest Spirit. He gave me more information in that meeting (and ride home - he lives in my hood!) than I had gathered thus far! And we got to share the ride together. Tony can always be found in the dining tent at 4pm. This is only the second weekend I have been back and already I have seen Tony for coffee and an amazing breakfast at his house. Tony, I love chillin' with you and look forward to walking this path with you.

Kyle, I spent precious moments with this gentle Spirit. I met him the first evening; we had hit camp by 3pm and had a long evening to fully immerse ourselves in what would be our Universe for the following six days. Not only is Kyle a gentle Spirit, he is a fierce rider. He has been riding all his life and has passion, skill, speed and endurance. Not that you would know it but he came in first every day but never felt the need to share! Kyle build custom carbon bikes so holla at him (email me or Tony) if you’re in the market for something a little special! He and I are going to trade — I am really looking forward to working with you Kyle and thanks for spending some quality time with me at Closing Ceremonies.

Then there was Tom — aka the “Norwegian Cruise Liner”, who announced to me as I sat next to Tony for dinner “We have a mutual friend.” Tom also lives in my hood and has seen me at Atlas Café (check out their chai and salads — say hi to Aubrey and tip her well!!!). Tom is a strong rider too and boy does he love to ride and challenge himself. We chilled together a few timez — I particularly remember dinner by the dumpster the evening of my accident!!! It was always fun to chill with Tom and I look forward to seeing him soon.

My dearest Kofi is next on the list. Kofi has been there from the start — a painful start if you listen to his side of the story!!!. We met last September when I was riding three miles a day to and from work (and I was proud of myself!!!). We both arrived at the traffic light together and ended up talking on our way home. Several months later he and his friend, Spoon, took me across the bridge for my first taste of distance and climbing. It was an anxious ride and he has never let me forget it!!!

Three and a half months after that first ride with Kofi and I have done it — Quadbuster, Evil Twins, the ride…I am blessed to have so much support and I am in gratitude for the celestial experience this has been.

Well, that is the end of the entry I wrote and I have been sitting in the coffee shop for a few hours now — it is my birthday today and I am sitting here courtesy of my grandmother, Mama, who sent me dollars from the UK — thanks Mama, you made me cry when I opened your card, I really miss you and love you. Asher et al called and sang Happy Birthday on my voicemail. They gave me an iPod yesterday — I feel very “in” now!!! I am going to go and see Angel Tyson to swap out my front wheel — always a pleasure to look forward to.

Now I must email this nine page entry to Jeff.

One Love
Shivie

I have lived on the lip of insanity wanting to know reasons knocking at my door.
The door opens, I have been knocking from the inside — Rumi