Sun., May 12, 2002 (Orientation Day): On the Plane

I don't think I've ever really been nervous before this week. I never usually worry about much, but I am totally freaked out that I could get sick, pull a muscle, forget something, miss the plane … I will be so relieved when I can look down and see my front tire rolling down the highway.

As I watch the miles of land slide past the window of the plane I am humbled by the smallness of me and my bike as I imagine us crawling back to LA over the hills, canyons, and deserts. I'm also thrilled that I am going to experience this vast landscape in intimate detail. I encourage anyone to get out of their car and bike or walk somewhere. It's a whole new perspective on where you are. I've fallen in love with California since I started training for this ride. Being from Colorado I was hard to impress, but with an ocean by its side, California has it all!

We're landing - Gee, San Francisco looks awfully hilly!

I was so nervous before starting that I made myself physically ill. But as soon as I got on my bike I was totally fine. Everything fell into place. My body felt strong and ready, my mind cleared and I remembered why I was doing this. Stevie Nicks' "Rock On Gold Dust Woman" started playing in my head and we were off.

So far we've done about 40 miles of relentless hills. The only thing tougher than the climb is the frigid cold air. The scenery is gorgeous.

Last night I barely slept. I was pretty tired all day but fortunately the route was only 80 miles and we had strong tailwinds all the way. By lunchtime I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I was in a haze and felt really grouchy. I realized I was getting dehydrated. I started pounding Gatorade and ate as much as possible and luckily I snapped out of it.

Lots of people have already ended up in the medical tent. A friend of mine got dehydrated yesterday and spent the night with an I.V. He wasn't allowed to ride today. Sadly, another guy had a heart attack and died yesterday. The ride is definitely grueling.

Nevertheless, it's beautiful and it's fun. Camp had a livelier buzz tonight than last night. I'm laying in my tent writing by flashlight and I can hear endless laughter and chatting. Lots of new friendships are being made here. The camaraderie is really amazing. Everyone is happy to meet you. Everybody is looking out for everyone. I know I would not have made it this far if so many people hadn't been so willing to share their expertise with me. When I first came out of the closet I expected the whole gay world to be like this and I was very disappointed. I really needed this experience to restore my faith in humanity. It's awesome. Now, if I could just get some sleep tonight …

Today was a very tough day for most cyclists. The route was different than previous years and turned out to be much harder than anyone anticipated, including the route planners, who formally apologized to everyone. A large number of cyclists were unable to finish the day due to the amount of climbing and the intense desert heat.

People think I'm crazy but I actually enjoyed the heat and the climbing. I like to keep my muscles warm when I'm working that hard. The climbing was very psychological. I had to stay focused on my form and not allow myself to start hating the effort. At those moments when I felt like my bike might start rolling backward despite my effort to keep moving upward I had to say to myself, "Let's go! I love this! This is fun!"

When that stops working you have to start talking to the hill and just say, "F--- You!"

It's been another great day! We started with a moderate climb through the wine country, passed through Pismo Beach, and then we flew through some of California's flatter countryside, 100.7 miles in all.

In camp, spirits are high. Everyone is laughing, joking and singing. Today's easier route has been a relief to everyone. We're in Santa Monica and it's my favorite campsite so far, because the local folks here have shown us the most enthusiasm. People stand beside the road cheering and holding up homemade signs with motivational slogans. Sometimes it's a group, sometimes a couple, often one person cheering like a clown. I wonder as I ride by them what their connection is to this disease. Are they somebody's mother? Do they have HIV?

Then there are the kids … I enjoy being cheered on by the kids the most. Kids have the greatest enthusiasm. As I high-fived the kids along the route in Santa Maria today it made me feel really cool. I could see how big I was in their eyes. I'm sure I touched a few future Cyclists today!

Today's route was only 54 miles long and it's been a great big party. After what we've been through the past four days, today felt like being on vacation. The route was still tough with lots of climbing, but getting into camp around 2:00 instead of 6:00 or 7:00 has allowed everyone to take some time to enjoy themselves.

Before today the drill was to get up between 4 and 5am, eat breakfast, freeze your butt off, get dressed, freeze your "everything" off, repack your stuff, put your luggage on the truck, break down your tent. Stretch, and get on your bike and seriously freeze your butt off until the sun comes out and you start sweating your butt off. Then you just ride from one rest stop to the next, filling up your water bottles so as not to get dehydrated.

When you make it to camp you immediately get your luggage (mine is SO heavy!) and set up your tent. Imagine the filth that collects under the fender of a car from the highway and add layers of sunscreen, blood and snot to it - that's the scum that you can scrape off your body with your fingernails. Taking a shower and washing clothes next is a must! For me it's even more important than dinner. After dinner it's straight to bed.

But today we had a whole afternoon off the bikes to enjoy in camp. I have been flirting with one guy at the rest stops. We were able to hang out awhile today, which was very cool. Now I can add a little romance to my list of positive experiences on this ride. AIDS/LifeCycle has it all!

After tonight's talent show I can add my cheeks to my list of pains. I laughed so hard at some of the performances it hurts. Many of the cyclists who got on stage were also extraordinarily talented and the thoughts that people got up to share were all very moving.

With just two days left I think there is a growing confidence in everybody that we are going to make it to L.A. I've learned a lot … about a lot. I'm tired, but I'm feeling strong.

I've stopped thinking about the pain in my knees, my lower back, my shoulders. All my thoughts hang in the air before me like the mist. I breathe them in and let them go.

Today is so emotional. Mother Nature must have known how I'd be feeling because she's made this such a still and somber day. There is no wind. The sun is hidden behind a thick canopy of wet clouds.

All I can hear is the hum of my tire on the road and the low roar of the tide, which seems to be tugging at my heart. Every few miles I feel a hot wave of tears breaking at the back of my eyes. I guess I'm just really sad it's Day 6 and the ride is almost over.

After the ride and the festivities were over today, I got in the car and turned on the radio. A song by Depeche Mode was playing. The lyrics go something like this:

"I'm taking a ride with my best friend...we're flying high, watching the world pass us by....never want to come down, never want to put my feet back down of the ground....you never let me down."

It's funny how sometimes songs come on the radio and at that moment they are so appropriate. I'm dedicating that song to all of my friends on the AIDS/LifeCycle Ride, particularly to Efren, my tent mate, training buddy, and new-found friend because he "never let me down." I would have never gotten out of camp in the morning and I would not have had the amazing experience that I did if it were not for him. We have all really bonded over the trials of the road (and camp).

I've really been struggling with the idea of returning to the real world. I don't want to "put my feet back down on the ground." AIDS/LifeCycle has been a rare experience in so many ways. It's been for a good cause, to help those suffering with HIV/AIDS. For once I've felt like I'm working to make the world a better place. For a week I have belonged to a community who shared one common goal and who all conducted themselves with integrity and love. I've made some incredible friends. I've had time to think. I've had time to daydream. I've been close to the earth and I've felt it tremble (earthquake). I've broken through personal boundaries of body and possibly even, soul.

So now that the ride is over, I'm trying to figure out how everything can stay this way. How can I keep this good feeling? In cycling there is a term called 'cadence'. It refers to pedalling speed. An efficient cyclist tries to maintain an even cadence whether they are climbing a hill, zooming down the backstretch of a mountain, or pedalling across endless miles of flat highway. Today I've been thinking about how I'm going to take this momentum that the AIDS/LifeCycle has given me and carry it forward into my life. All week I've been seeing the ride as mostly an uphill struggle, but now I realize it's been one big "screaming downhill" back into life. I'm going to keep on pedalling....